Loving

Don't say I love you and don't mean it.

Like I little kid I hang on to the words like my favorite lollipop. At some point in the back of my head I realized I was stabbing myself in the process. I can't really blame him now. There is a part of me that wants him to take some fall for this. I'm trying to not be and let logic guide me.

He shouldn't have touched me. He shouldn't have kissed me. He shouldn't have said those words to me if he didn't mean it.

I guess that is the most painful part of everything.

And this pain everyday makes me want to shut all the doors to him which is good since this will be good for me. My relevance to his life I guess is over now. There is little significance for me to even pronounce my departure.

I told him my fears of him and her. I told him about insecurities about guys liking or finding themselves in love with me just because of my looks and how good I am. I told him how I hate guys stick to the safe bet because it is expected, and who is afraid to show who they are to people. Well, he was the best one out of all of those.

Little did I know.

I want to say how stupid I was, and am but I have to love myself. It is not my fault. I love him wholeheartedly and in the TRUEST sense. I told myself when I look back, I will not do so with regrets and this is what is going to happen. I'm really empty inside.

I don't regret that I love this person. I'm doing a doubly painful process of cutting him out of my life. Cutting him clean.

I deserve this.

I don't need to be in a friendship with someone who can lead a double life, who might put me again underneath the shadows. I'm not someone one can be ashamed of. I know my worth.

To me he is still one bundled mess and I should always remember that they will end up together. so I should squish whatever hope there is in my heart.

And truly let him go. I will do this. I can do this.

Because I love him and I love myself.