Just when you thought you've had it with these lemons, things happen and you just blink back in surprise and you don't know if you're gonna laugh or gonna cry in both frustration and in delight.
Like my good friend said, Spring is around, and perhaps it is our golden time! Yay! I completely forgot how I can be outside of my own bubble. It's good that I'm going on a vacation soon. I look forward to the Chinese New Year. New me, new body, new sense of adventure and new outlook in life.
All positives.
Say I'm meeting lots of people, enjoying new friends and interesting conversations. I get perhaps a raise or a promotion of sorts to which the consequences are personally daunting, socially that is. I might get into something of interest and in an environment I want.
I'm achieving one part of my resolution which is to travel to at least 5 new countries this year. It will be grand! I'm going to a new place, long haul flight, all by myself!! Yahoo! :) The friends that wait for me there make it even more worth it.
Shall I head over to Japan? Korea? Cambodia? Singapore? Thailand? Canada? US? Two of those might be a go this year! Let's make it happen! :) Every month should be a party month!!
What's up so far:
1.) Travelogues #1 with me myself and I
2.) OMG @ Benz Arena
3.) Travelogues #2 with the girls
4.) Travelogues #3 with my funny gal
5.) Homecoming
January 30, 2011
January 27, 2011
Phoenix
My good friend has given me this book and I've managed to finish reading it last year. It completely echoes the tensions within myself. And so, I have to quote this excerpt from Paolo Coelho's blog on Brida:
If there is one thing, I'm sure of at this point, whatever people have thought of the situation from the get go, nothing is completely wrong and there is no room for regrets. After taking another risk like this, that fear is now long gone even if there is pain. Baptized by the consquences, there is no reason to fear what you have already been through. Since it is the second time around, it moves me to look and realize that if a second time can happen, a third time can happen too. This is possible. So stronger and more free will I be after the embers die down and the ashes get scattered by the wind.
I think I've managed to face that particular fear last year and completely love. Right now it is a matter of swallowing and accepting failure, disappointment, disillusion that come with the risk I've taken. This and a constant reminder to myself to be open and never cease to hope.After her first romantic disappointment, she had never again given herself entirely. She feared pain, loss, and separation.
These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of
avoiding them was by deciding not to take that path at all.
In order not to suffer, you had to renounce Love. It was like putting out
your own eyes not to see the bad things in life.
Ever since time began, people have recognized their true Love by the light
in their eyes.
"When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat, and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way."
"Don't bother trying to explain your emotions. Live everything as intensely as you can and keep whatever you felt as a gift from God. The best way to destroy the bridge between the visible and invisible is by trying to explain
your emotions."
"But how will I know who my Soulmate is?" Brida felt that this was one of the most important questions she had ever asked in her life.
"By taking risks" she said to Brida. "By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."
Nothing is completely wrong. Even a broken watch is right twice a day.
If there is one thing, I'm sure of at this point, whatever people have thought of the situation from the get go, nothing is completely wrong and there is no room for regrets. After taking another risk like this, that fear is now long gone even if there is pain. Baptized by the consquences, there is no reason to fear what you have already been through. Since it is the second time around, it moves me to look and realize that if a second time can happen, a third time can happen too. This is possible. So stronger and more free will I be after the embers die down and the ashes get scattered by the wind.
January 26, 2011
Coincidence 巧
Readings from Cainer:
Is it possible to go too far? Of course. But it is equally possible not to go far enough. Of the two, the former is preferable. If you go too far, you can retreat. If you don't go anywhere you had better hope that the place you are already in is wonderful in every way. Can we say this with conviction about the position you find yourself in now? Well, if you can, why are you reading this? Life is offering you the chance to go a little further than you usually go. Don't be afraid of this. Just go through your day with an open mind. You haven't got a 'problem'. You have an incredible opportunity.
Sometimes, when the wind blows, everything swirls around and flies about until the storm dies down. By then, who knows where anything is any more. We just have to do our best to pick up the pieces and start again. Sometimes, though, the wind is just as fierce. But, though everything flutters, it doesn't go anywhere. It stays still. It is held in position by a force that's powerful enough to withstand the pressure. The wind of a big potential change is blowing now, but it is not going to scatter you too far.
Is it possible to go too far? Of course. But it is equally possible not to go far enough. Of the two, the former is preferable. If you go too far, you can retreat. If you don't go anywhere you had better hope that the place you are already in is wonderful in every way. Can we say this with conviction about the position you find yourself in now? Well, if you can, why are you reading this? Life is offering you the chance to go a little further than you usually go. Don't be afraid of this. Just go through your day with an open mind. You haven't got a 'problem'. You have an incredible opportunity.
Sometimes, when the wind blows, everything swirls around and flies about until the storm dies down. By then, who knows where anything is any more. We just have to do our best to pick up the pieces and start again. Sometimes, though, the wind is just as fierce. But, though everything flutters, it doesn't go anywhere. It stays still. It is held in position by a force that's powerful enough to withstand the pressure. The wind of a big potential change is blowing now, but it is not going to scatter you too far.
January 24, 2011
God will make a way
God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength
For each new day
He will make a way
He will make a way
By a roadway in the wilderness
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today
January 23, 2011
Present lemons
Do I make lemonade out of them?
Lemons rot over time.
To KP: You might put all the pressure on me and treat me more like a dog than a human being, but in time you will have your comeuppance. It will not come from me. But I believe what goes around comes around. I will just take refuge in the fact that I will get out of this hellhole soon. I will endure and be a silent fighter. In time, I will just surprise you with my calm words. I await for that day. You will be glad to get rid of me, but it will be short-lived. I will be glad to leave and it will be long-lived. I achieve and will achieve a greater peace than you. For greed will never give a person any form of peace.
To V&J: You might not like me. You might have initially judged me, cast stones at me without knowing who I really am. It pains me to have you think of me that way, but what can I do? Like people who love me ask, "does it really matter?" Well, I just thought what a waste of possible deeper friendship. It doesn't have to be the way it is today. I do not go where I am not wanted. You don't need to speak any word. I can feel it. It is sad we have to play pretense when we meet. I'd rather be genuine. I want to be genuinely friendly towards you, yet I do see you're not. So rather than pretend that it is all good, I'd rather stay away. I pray some day, God will give us the chance to start anew again. If not, then I guess that is life.
To PG: It is hard to stop myself from writing to you but I can and I will. 2 weeks have passed. It will be the third soon. I keep thinking what to finally write to you when I write you the Goodbye Letter. I've thought of keeping it cold and short but then thought of explanations that lead to involved and long. Which is better? I end up summarizing that I'd rather not write to you at all. You will understand. And like the mass today, FAITH. Faith that things will turn out ok. Faith that you will understand. Faith that God will find a way to make things right. Faith that God will lead you and me to where we are supposed to go and the fate of our friendship. My not writing to you means I'm letting you truly go. Be free. Be totally free of me. Forget me.
In as much as the lemons make my life sour, there's more sweetness from the people who truly care. I am very grateful for that.
Lemons rot over time.
To KP: You might put all the pressure on me and treat me more like a dog than a human being, but in time you will have your comeuppance. It will not come from me. But I believe what goes around comes around. I will just take refuge in the fact that I will get out of this hellhole soon. I will endure and be a silent fighter. In time, I will just surprise you with my calm words. I await for that day. You will be glad to get rid of me, but it will be short-lived. I will be glad to leave and it will be long-lived. I achieve and will achieve a greater peace than you. For greed will never give a person any form of peace.
To V&J: You might not like me. You might have initially judged me, cast stones at me without knowing who I really am. It pains me to have you think of me that way, but what can I do? Like people who love me ask, "does it really matter?" Well, I just thought what a waste of possible deeper friendship. It doesn't have to be the way it is today. I do not go where I am not wanted. You don't need to speak any word. I can feel it. It is sad we have to play pretense when we meet. I'd rather be genuine. I want to be genuinely friendly towards you, yet I do see you're not. So rather than pretend that it is all good, I'd rather stay away. I pray some day, God will give us the chance to start anew again. If not, then I guess that is life.
To PG: It is hard to stop myself from writing to you but I can and I will. 2 weeks have passed. It will be the third soon. I keep thinking what to finally write to you when I write you the Goodbye Letter. I've thought of keeping it cold and short but then thought of explanations that lead to involved and long. Which is better? I end up summarizing that I'd rather not write to you at all. You will understand. And like the mass today, FAITH. Faith that things will turn out ok. Faith that you will understand. Faith that God will find a way to make things right. Faith that God will lead you and me to where we are supposed to go and the fate of our friendship. My not writing to you means I'm letting you truly go. Be free. Be totally free of me. Forget me.
In as much as the lemons make my life sour, there's more sweetness from the people who truly care. I am very grateful for that.
January 21, 2011
Something Spectacular
GBF: Keeping friends is harder than people think. It's always been hard for me to think people are "special" in that sense. There are so many people in the world. So many other people who can be just as good friends or more. It's a bit of a cynical viewpoint but I think it's true. Doesn't mean I don't feel people are special to me though, since it's also hard to make new friends sometimes
ME: well good friends or good partners are there but the spectacular ones I believe are hard to find. There can be many good but few are spectacular. When you find that, it changes your life or how you live your life or who you are. A lot of it has to do with where you are and where the other is and who you have been and who the other has been at a point in time. Then when you meet at that point it creates a "synergy".
ME: You meet lots of good friends and probably good partners but there are only a handful that you can say have influenced or affected your life a lot. And those, are the spectacular ones. So thats why it is sad that we cant even be friends. I guess what's left is what change transpired within us. If you wanna be really cynical, then you can say spectacular doesn't last. Like how a shooting star is or how a comet is, it comes around but it doesn't last and stay there along with you. You'll just have to suck it up and say, "Well ok, at least I've seen a shooting star or a comet in my lifetime."
GBF: We are ultimately all insignificant in the greater scheme of things. But I think when you are as insignificant as we are, the small things can seem like a whole lot.
ME: Yeah but that is how you live life right? otherwise you'd be all knowing and nothing will surprise you. You'd be numb.
GBF: Yeah. That's probably why God made us. His life was boring.
ME: well good friends or good partners are there but the spectacular ones I believe are hard to find. There can be many good but few are spectacular. When you find that, it changes your life or how you live your life or who you are. A lot of it has to do with where you are and where the other is and who you have been and who the other has been at a point in time. Then when you meet at that point it creates a "synergy".
ME: You meet lots of good friends and probably good partners but there are only a handful that you can say have influenced or affected your life a lot. And those, are the spectacular ones. So thats why it is sad that we cant even be friends. I guess what's left is what change transpired within us. If you wanna be really cynical, then you can say spectacular doesn't last. Like how a shooting star is or how a comet is, it comes around but it doesn't last and stay there along with you. You'll just have to suck it up and say, "Well ok, at least I've seen a shooting star or a comet in my lifetime."
GBF: We are ultimately all insignificant in the greater scheme of things. But I think when you are as insignificant as we are, the small things can seem like a whole lot.
ME: Yeah but that is how you live life right? otherwise you'd be all knowing and nothing will surprise you. You'd be numb.
GBF: Yeah. That's probably why God made us. His life was boring.
January 20, 2011
White Ghost
It's snowing!
I took the first direct train out of Shanghai to Nanjing. When I woke up and looked out of the window, tada! The entire city is white! It feels like Christmas again. I stepped out and the snow was really falling heavily. Everything was white and the pine trees are coated in frost. How nice it would be to stay in Shanghai today and take photos during lunch.
Alas, I had a train to catch and my nice camera was at the shop for repairs. I should be able to get it when I go back on Saturday. Yep, damn right. I'm working on a Saturday. Oh well...
The usual 1.25 hour train ride became almost a 2 hour train ride. The train had to stop and slow down coz they were clearing the tracks and I guess a bit too dangerous to travel fast. It was continuing to snow that time. The forecast tomorrow for Nanjing is...more snow. I just hope when I take the train on Saturday, I won't be stuck too long either in Nanjing or inside the train. The mass migration has started for the Chinese New Year holiday. The station today was abnormally packed. Multiply that with people who smoke like a chimney, people who push people around without any care, people who don't know how to line up and take turns, people who don't effing know how to use the ticket pass system, and finally a fistfight right after we got off from the 2 hour journey to Nanjing...Gee, the wonders of traveling in China!
I had a good convo with my officemate today over dinner of steamed buns, toasted bread and cheese and yogurt about how the Chinese suffered greatly during the 60's to 70's. The people were so poor they would eat their own belts or find sustenance in tree barks. She said the people were forced to burn books and renounce confucianism and culture and arts during the Mao era such that when China began to embrace culture again, the western thinking and philosophies came in faster than the old Chinese thinking and philosophies. People, like starved kids, soaked up as much of cultural enlightenment as they can and in the process lead to the thinking of individualism, and surviving and thinking for one's self and own interests. I don't know how true this basis is but all I can say is, the thinking for one's self and own interests part is so true. People don't care about other people. When one meets an accident people just watch and never help.
Case in point, when I was passing by this posh mall, I happened to notice all the commotion. There was a crowd forming. I looked and imagine my consternation to see people just stand there and surround a guy bleeding to death. He was literally lying on the floor in a sickening puddle of his own blood. His girl was beside him crying. And no one moved a muscle, when in fact, the hospital is just across the mall!!
And you know what? I sort of understand. People just don't wanna get involved. They might turn out to be the bad guys. I heard of a news wherein there is this young fellow
who happened to see an old lady get hit by a car. He helped her and got her into the hospital. When the lady woke up, she accused the guy of being the one who hit her. And the craziest thing was, the courts ruled in the woman's favor, charging the young fellow with penalty and payment of all the woman's hospital bill!
How crazy! This is what breeds people who just care about their own selves. The system is crooked, the elders are crooked, the next generation is forced to be crooked.
Anyway, I played in the snow today. For a bit. I threw some snow and took pics with the snow. :) During my last year, God decided to let me see and experience more snow. It is just so pretty.
In other news, your shadow still haunts me. Only when do I get to talk heart to heart with close friends and they give me this tender comforting do I feel the jagged edges of the holes of my insides. It's over. I have to forget you. I find it really sad that we cannot be friends and I mourn for that loss too. I know I have the option to talk to you still but I know it wouldn't be good for me. I miss you but I also don't trust the friendship we have.
How sad things have to end like this.
I took the first direct train out of Shanghai to Nanjing. When I woke up and looked out of the window, tada! The entire city is white! It feels like Christmas again. I stepped out and the snow was really falling heavily. Everything was white and the pine trees are coated in frost. How nice it would be to stay in Shanghai today and take photos during lunch.
Alas, I had a train to catch and my nice camera was at the shop for repairs. I should be able to get it when I go back on Saturday. Yep, damn right. I'm working on a Saturday. Oh well...
The usual 1.25 hour train ride became almost a 2 hour train ride. The train had to stop and slow down coz they were clearing the tracks and I guess a bit too dangerous to travel fast. It was continuing to snow that time. The forecast tomorrow for Nanjing is...more snow. I just hope when I take the train on Saturday, I won't be stuck too long either in Nanjing or inside the train. The mass migration has started for the Chinese New Year holiday. The station today was abnormally packed. Multiply that with people who smoke like a chimney, people who push people around without any care, people who don't know how to line up and take turns, people who don't effing know how to use the ticket pass system, and finally a fistfight right after we got off from the 2 hour journey to Nanjing...Gee, the wonders of traveling in China!
I had a good convo with my officemate today over dinner of steamed buns, toasted bread and cheese and yogurt about how the Chinese suffered greatly during the 60's to 70's. The people were so poor they would eat their own belts or find sustenance in tree barks. She said the people were forced to burn books and renounce confucianism and culture and arts during the Mao era such that when China began to embrace culture again, the western thinking and philosophies came in faster than the old Chinese thinking and philosophies. People, like starved kids, soaked up as much of cultural enlightenment as they can and in the process lead to the thinking of individualism, and surviving and thinking for one's self and own interests. I don't know how true this basis is but all I can say is, the thinking for one's self and own interests part is so true. People don't care about other people. When one meets an accident people just watch and never help.
Case in point, when I was passing by this posh mall, I happened to notice all the commotion. There was a crowd forming. I looked and imagine my consternation to see people just stand there and surround a guy bleeding to death. He was literally lying on the floor in a sickening puddle of his own blood. His girl was beside him crying. And no one moved a muscle, when in fact, the hospital is just across the mall!!
And you know what? I sort of understand. People just don't wanna get involved. They might turn out to be the bad guys. I heard of a news wherein there is this young fellow
who happened to see an old lady get hit by a car. He helped her and got her into the hospital. When the lady woke up, she accused the guy of being the one who hit her. And the craziest thing was, the courts ruled in the woman's favor, charging the young fellow with penalty and payment of all the woman's hospital bill!
How crazy! This is what breeds people who just care about their own selves. The system is crooked, the elders are crooked, the next generation is forced to be crooked.
Anyway, I played in the snow today. For a bit. I threw some snow and took pics with the snow. :) During my last year, God decided to let me see and experience more snow. It is just so pretty.
In other news, your shadow still haunts me. Only when do I get to talk heart to heart with close friends and they give me this tender comforting do I feel the jagged edges of the holes of my insides. It's over. I have to forget you. I find it really sad that we cannot be friends and I mourn for that loss too. I know I have the option to talk to you still but I know it wouldn't be good for me. I miss you but I also don't trust the friendship we have.
How sad things have to end like this.
January 17, 2011
Girl friends
I have to hand it to my girl friends. Only now do I realize the treasure of having girl friends close to me. For the longest time I mostly had guy friends. Although guy friends are really cool to hang out and help you get out of trouble and do gentlemanly stuff for you (as well as beating the puny lil guy that broke your heart), they just can't do what girl friends do. Girl friends listen to you, give you a surprise visit with flowers, cook for you and take you around to get your mind off of that puny lil guy (aside from kicking the balls of the puny lil guy that broke your heart).
I've been really sick almost 2 days with no voice and heartbroken but my girls managed to:
1.) visit me even if they live far away and got me comfort food (i.e. chocolates and NY cheesecake)
2.) visit me just to give me flowers and homecooked soup
3.) wore my piggy pajamas and slept over just to keep me company after all that weepy talk (or pantomine)
4.) baked awesome blueberry cheesecake with my favorite 1/3 thick CRUST!
5.) checked up on me every day even if I'm away from the city
6.) took me to hearty dinner at the spanish restaurant that holds one of the special memories of that puny guy. It's called exorcising the ghost of pain.
7.) took me to a foot massage treat
8.) willing companion to go to hospital
9.) received a deluge of medication
Aside from their advice and pep talk, I've a lot to be thankful for for these girls. I don't know how to coast along the jagged start of my new year here in Shanghai if it werent for them. Also my family helps a whole lot. I should be thankful that so many people love me.
Yes, you are not the center of my universe and my life doesn't stop with you. You may not want me, you may not choose me, but people want me, people choose me, people love me. If you don't, then I guess you are not worthy for me to waste my time on.
Just like that I am walking away. I am going to walk away just like that.
Just.
Like.
That.
The deepest pain is not of hatred, but of complete indifference. And this is what I want to happen. I want to be totally indifferent to you. You are nothing. A figmet of the past. Something that I should not dwell on and pour so much emotions, energy and time into. The future awaits me with open arms. I should be ready to run into them.
I will find someone who will love me so much and so fully, someone who is ready for me, someone who will love me and mean it and do it everyday, someone I can love back with the same intensity and laughter.
I may never have the need to throw away my high heeled shoes. I may never have the feeling of being too voluptuous or big framed or too party girl and too down to earth girl.
Anyway, moving forward, I did some groceries this weekend. I'm excited as I've managed to cook some good chinese soup (perhaps cantonese style). I want to try this back home and cook for my dad.
3 Pork bones (cuts for soup stock)
3 Chicken bones (wings)
1 cup white fungus, soaked in water and cleaned
2 tbsp chinese almonds
2 fragrant pears, sliced thinly
6 dried jujube (small to medium sized)
1/2 fresh corn in cob, cut into two pieces
1/2 cup dried scallops, cleaned and soaked a bit in warm water
Salt
Water
1.) Boil bones until froth comes out. Drain the bones.
2.) Turn heat to low-medium and place a pot filled with water.
3.) Put everything in and let it boil slowly in low-medium heat.
4.) Cook for 2-3 hours until fungus becomes soft and slippery, broth becomes a bit thick and yellowish cloudy. Season with salt to taste.
It's tasty, filling and good when piping hot! :)
Tonight I will try cooking some kale leaves with ginko nuts and golden mushrooms. All of a sudden I really wanna learn how to cook chinese food. Sigh. I already forsee that I wanna try all these recipes when I'm back home. I can't wait to go back.
I'll be going home this Chinese New Year and have also booked a trip to India. This will be a good opportunity for me to party, relax and forget about what happened to me the past year...i mean six months. Manila has some very pretty people and I realize the values that I seek in partner are really from the ones back home.
The climb is arduous but I will get there! I see the sunlight from the hole. With the puny guy, we've managed to dig so deep a hole, so long a tunnel. I'm finally getting out of that hole and into the sunlight as I should be. I will leave this mess behind and fly free.
Just watch me.
I've been really sick almost 2 days with no voice and heartbroken but my girls managed to:
1.) visit me even if they live far away and got me comfort food (i.e. chocolates and NY cheesecake)
2.) visit me just to give me flowers and homecooked soup
3.) wore my piggy pajamas and slept over just to keep me company after all that weepy talk (or pantomine)
4.) baked awesome blueberry cheesecake with my favorite 1/3 thick CRUST!
5.) checked up on me every day even if I'm away from the city
6.) took me to hearty dinner at the spanish restaurant that holds one of the special memories of that puny guy. It's called exorcising the ghost of pain.
7.) took me to a foot massage treat
8.) willing companion to go to hospital
9.) received a deluge of medication
Aside from their advice and pep talk, I've a lot to be thankful for for these girls. I don't know how to coast along the jagged start of my new year here in Shanghai if it werent for them. Also my family helps a whole lot. I should be thankful that so many people love me.
Yes, you are not the center of my universe and my life doesn't stop with you. You may not want me, you may not choose me, but people want me, people choose me, people love me. If you don't, then I guess you are not worthy for me to waste my time on.
Just like that I am walking away. I am going to walk away just like that.
Just.
Like.
That.
The deepest pain is not of hatred, but of complete indifference. And this is what I want to happen. I want to be totally indifferent to you. You are nothing. A figmet of the past. Something that I should not dwell on and pour so much emotions, energy and time into. The future awaits me with open arms. I should be ready to run into them.
I will find someone who will love me so much and so fully, someone who is ready for me, someone who will love me and mean it and do it everyday, someone I can love back with the same intensity and laughter.
I may never have the need to throw away my high heeled shoes. I may never have the feeling of being too voluptuous or big framed or too party girl and too down to earth girl.
Anyway, moving forward, I did some groceries this weekend. I'm excited as I've managed to cook some good chinese soup (perhaps cantonese style). I want to try this back home and cook for my dad.
3 Pork bones (cuts for soup stock)
3 Chicken bones (wings)
1 cup white fungus, soaked in water and cleaned
2 tbsp chinese almonds
2 fragrant pears, sliced thinly
6 dried jujube (small to medium sized)
1/2 fresh corn in cob, cut into two pieces
1/2 cup dried scallops, cleaned and soaked a bit in warm water
Salt
Water
1.) Boil bones until froth comes out. Drain the bones.
2.) Turn heat to low-medium and place a pot filled with water.
3.) Put everything in and let it boil slowly in low-medium heat.
4.) Cook for 2-3 hours until fungus becomes soft and slippery, broth becomes a bit thick and yellowish cloudy. Season with salt to taste.
It's tasty, filling and good when piping hot! :)
Tonight I will try cooking some kale leaves with ginko nuts and golden mushrooms. All of a sudden I really wanna learn how to cook chinese food. Sigh. I already forsee that I wanna try all these recipes when I'm back home. I can't wait to go back.
I'll be going home this Chinese New Year and have also booked a trip to India. This will be a good opportunity for me to party, relax and forget about what happened to me the past year...i mean six months. Manila has some very pretty people and I realize the values that I seek in partner are really from the ones back home.
The climb is arduous but I will get there! I see the sunlight from the hole. With the puny guy, we've managed to dig so deep a hole, so long a tunnel. I'm finally getting out of that hole and into the sunlight as I should be. I will leave this mess behind and fly free.
Just watch me.
January 12, 2011
Loving
Don't say I love you and don't mean it.
Like I little kid I hang on to the words like my favorite lollipop. At some point in the back of my head I realized I was stabbing myself in the process. I can't really blame him now. There is a part of me that wants him to take some fall for this. I'm trying to not be and let logic guide me.
He shouldn't have touched me. He shouldn't have kissed me. He shouldn't have said those words to me if he didn't mean it.
I guess that is the most painful part of everything.
And this pain everyday makes me want to shut all the doors to him which is good since this will be good for me. My relevance to his life I guess is over now. There is little significance for me to even pronounce my departure.
I told him my fears of him and her. I told him about insecurities about guys liking or finding themselves in love with me just because of my looks and how good I am. I told him how I hate guys stick to the safe bet because it is expected, and who is afraid to show who they are to people. Well, he was the best one out of all of those.
Little did I know.
I want to say how stupid I was, and am but I have to love myself. It is not my fault. I love him wholeheartedly and in the TRUEST sense. I told myself when I look back, I will not do so with regrets and this is what is going to happen. I'm really empty inside.
I don't regret that I love this person. I'm doing a doubly painful process of cutting him out of my life. Cutting him clean.
I deserve this.
I don't need to be in a friendship with someone who can lead a double life, who might put me again underneath the shadows. I'm not someone one can be ashamed of. I know my worth.
To me he is still one bundled mess and I should always remember that they will end up together. so I should squish whatever hope there is in my heart.
And truly let him go. I will do this. I can do this.
Because I love him and I love myself.
Like I little kid I hang on to the words like my favorite lollipop. At some point in the back of my head I realized I was stabbing myself in the process. I can't really blame him now. There is a part of me that wants him to take some fall for this. I'm trying to not be and let logic guide me.
He shouldn't have touched me. He shouldn't have kissed me. He shouldn't have said those words to me if he didn't mean it.
I guess that is the most painful part of everything.
And this pain everyday makes me want to shut all the doors to him which is good since this will be good for me. My relevance to his life I guess is over now. There is little significance for me to even pronounce my departure.
I told him my fears of him and her. I told him about insecurities about guys liking or finding themselves in love with me just because of my looks and how good I am. I told him how I hate guys stick to the safe bet because it is expected, and who is afraid to show who they are to people. Well, he was the best one out of all of those.
Little did I know.
I want to say how stupid I was, and am but I have to love myself. It is not my fault. I love him wholeheartedly and in the TRUEST sense. I told myself when I look back, I will not do so with regrets and this is what is going to happen. I'm really empty inside.
I don't regret that I love this person. I'm doing a doubly painful process of cutting him out of my life. Cutting him clean.
I deserve this.
I don't need to be in a friendship with someone who can lead a double life, who might put me again underneath the shadows. I'm not someone one can be ashamed of. I know my worth.
To me he is still one bundled mess and I should always remember that they will end up together. so I should squish whatever hope there is in my heart.
And truly let him go. I will do this. I can do this.
Because I love him and I love myself.
January 9, 2011
Teenage Dream
You think I'm pretty without any makeup on
You think I'm funny when I tell the punchline wrong
I know you get me so I'll let my walls come down, down
Before you met me I was alright
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever
You make me feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch now baby I believe
This is real so take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you my missing puzzle piece
I'm complete
I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
You think I'm funny when I tell the punchline wrong
I know you get me so I'll let my walls come down, down
Before you met me I was alright
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February
You'll be my valentine, valentine
Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I
We'll be young forever
You make me feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch now baby I believe
This is real so take a chance
And don't ever look back
Don't ever look back
We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you my missing puzzle piece
I'm complete
I might get your heart racing
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me
In my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
January 8, 2011
A review of 2010 and then some
As I write a new chapter and delve into the next journey, I look back at 2010 (and a bit of 2009) with laughter and pain, fear and fulfillment, the bold intense strokes of memories forever branded into my mind.
In 2010, I managed to --
Travel and wonder alone in one of my favorite cities until I realized that the very essence of the city is lost in depleted wonderment and is nestled amongst good company. What a realization indeed.
Be up about flying in and out, going around in airports and train stations in circles until the thought of travel has left a small dent of weariness within as well as inculcate a smart and light way of traveling. I'm slowly becoming a seasoned traveler/jet-setter.
Sort through the mess of men. Different flavors. Same issues. An "ling" officer. A laid-back model. A tall high-roller. A quirky abstract. An accidental geek. Attended a marine ball. Rode on a scooter complete with wind blowing through hair after doing poems and portraits. Dated over good food, conversations and massages. Rushed through crazy heart-thumping impulsive meetings over serendipity. Jumping off the cliff and fell fast through deep intense connection, intimate sharing over a crazy blast of alcohol, emotions and living life to the fullest. So here I am, discovering one was way off, two was for fun, three was for companionship, four was for swept away, five was...is...crazy, impossible, improbable...but real.
Find my favorite place in China and its name is Qingdao. Where the mountains lie beside the beach-y shores. Where seafood goes with beer street and wine street. Where real trees grow in abundance and the gorgeous old architecture of houses dot the quiet lanes. Where the blue sky stretches so far out across the horizon. Oh and let's not forget good company, the infamous drunken house, and china's version of first class - lounge, seats and meals. That's one place I'd want to go back to.
Work on my painting and cooking skills. People have benefited. Family, friends and five. 3 F's.
Conquer my fear of public speaking and became a lectern. Once or twice a month. With a church full of parishioners well-versed in English.
Become more numb and accepting of how work life really is. In short, you might not like it, and it might be crappy but you bring home the bacon. That's what matters. You work to live not live to work. I put my foot down when I need to and I realized I can be pretty bitchy. Like the dynamic duo used to call me, feisty girl.
Join a cruise. Very relaxing and one of the best times with my family and worse experience of seasickness EVER. To think I usually am ok with all modes of transport, practically sleeping my way through the entire trip.
Witness a solar eclipse and its effect in the city early morning. I saw it through the huge glass cladding of my office window. I bought some cheap glasses for remembrance. Not that I got to use it.
Play and walk around a heavy but soft snowfall. I bunched some snow and threw it around. So fun! I felt like a kid yet I soon discovered the pain of having numb hands that was so fast to becoming not even your own. Yes. Wear the damn gloves. And yes, down is the answer. I love down. I've been meaning to get me Uggs.
Get so drunk enough to not remember a thing with an entire bottle of sochu split for two. I realized sochu can be really lethal and a traitor. Drink with caution and don't feel at ease if you feel nothing at first.
Get so enamored with whiskey after being enamored of wine. Single malt and flowery. I can take four rounds all a-ok.
Go clubbing so much that I got tired of it and the same old same old. Crappy music. Pretentious people. Thick suffocating smoke. Men who are just looking for instant hook-ups. I still prefer going with good friends and especially just chilling in lounging bars instead of the blaring speakers.
Go to the World Expo for 6-7 times. The best part is, enjoying it in the company of good friends and while you're tipsy after rounds of good beer, whiskey, wine and vodka. Saw GMA in person (does that really matter?). Got to take a pic with Cecile Licad. Brushed elbows with diplomatic ambassadors and officials.
Go to VIP events, the type where exotic cars are just parked outside and the Tatler magazine is covering the thing. The salmon sashimi was to die for, the fois gras was something I can take a bite off and not spit it out, and cod fish was so succulent. The women were laced with expensive clothes, perfumes, jewelry and some were gorgeously draped around the arms of men -- established, old, rich, and out for socializing.
Party in Park Hyatt in drunken state with no dinner and five bottles of wine. I never knew whiskey and soda existed in good taste. YUCK. I discovered confusing music the morning after and spending by the pool just lounging can be so relaxing. So is sitting around pillows and blankets with soft candle lights, acoustic music and just conversation in good company. That's after flying lettuces and a countdown timer challenge via excel done from scratch.
Karaoke-d out the KTV establishment 'til 6am. The place closed down and we were still singing along with no music -- just the mp3 playing on someone else's phone.
Discover the best grilled unagi and tasted fresh sashimi carved from a live fish.
Perm, dye my hair. I finally did something to it and "devirginized" it. Styled ala Japanese/Korean fashion. I'll still go back to black...eventually.
Drink almost everyday coz everyday is a friday! See where it got me. After 8 months I'm still falling.
Get sick of two ailments that I've never had in my entire life. Each time though, I was extremely lucky. Five was there to take care of me.
Sleep over a lot and had people sleep over too. Played hooky from work. Shh. Something I've never done before.
Discover the wonders of makeup, of taking care of your skin and hair. I know. I just never bothered with it before, more so if you're about to reach the age of (2+1)*10. And I'm now more scared of getting too tanned. WHA?! Ok. I still love the beach.
Become closer to my dad, sis, JA and accepted the situation of my stepmom. Also became more logical/practical in relationships - family, friends and all of the above. There are no definite black and whites all the time. There's lots of grays. At the end of the day, what matters is the values you choose to hold and keep close to you.
Become more independent and more of a risk taker. Yeah? I walk out alone. eat alone. live alone. sleep alone. Not that I can stand being alone as I also want the company of people I love. But I can survive. I decide where I wanna go. What I wanna do. As for risks, let's just say I've honed my strategic skills a bit.
Find genuine friendship of people from different cultures. People have opened my eyes more. There small influences and then there are huge ones. The most profound I don't think I will ever forget. Whatever happens, I discovered my capacity and my courage, my weaknesses and insecurities. That single word that opened everything still is standing so strong.
Be blissfully happy to be a part of someone's wedding ceremony. Moved to true happiness. They deserve it. Another chapter to one of three couples I've managed to put together. I attended three weddings in a year!
Become closer to God. In a foreign place where values can easily be washed away, all that holds who you are versus the insanity of letting the tides sweep you away is your faith.
Bond with my cousins and play with my nieces and nephews more. Family is family and over the years things have changed and people have grown. What you don't really find ok before can be better now. Girls' night out in manila is not so hard to find. haha.
Watch a major concert by a famous artist in China. Jay Chou. I don't like the guy nor especially fond of his songs but it is an experience. Yeah? I want to watch Lee Hom in concert though.
Ate and sampled meals by Michelin star chefs. Expensive but again, we live only once. After a while it gets boring though. Or I just might lack the taste buds for it. I just want Yamazaki rye bread, succulent shime saba, crunchy smoky grilled unagi, and salty sweet smoked salmon. The street side charcoal grilled gooey sweet potato sounds good too. That or the sticky boiled white corn. Both can keep my hands warm from experiencing -4 winter!
Love so much 'til it hurts and seeps into my bones. Teenage dream. Teenage love all over again. Bellied with reality amidst the dream. And now... I feel like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. The utter bliss of loving fully comes with a heart-stopping pain enough to make you gasp as you cry it out.
That's all I remember for now. I will try to add more as I go along...but as the 2011 starts, there's a lot in store that much I know. One thing that never changes is Carpe Diem. Live life to the fullest.
Live like you mean it, love 'til you feel it.
- Googoo Dolls
In 2010, I managed to --
Travel and wonder alone in one of my favorite cities until I realized that the very essence of the city is lost in depleted wonderment and is nestled amongst good company. What a realization indeed.
Be up about flying in and out, going around in airports and train stations in circles until the thought of travel has left a small dent of weariness within as well as inculcate a smart and light way of traveling. I'm slowly becoming a seasoned traveler/jet-setter.
Sort through the mess of men. Different flavors. Same issues. An "ling" officer. A laid-back model. A tall high-roller. A quirky abstract. An accidental geek. Attended a marine ball. Rode on a scooter complete with wind blowing through hair after doing poems and portraits. Dated over good food, conversations and massages. Rushed through crazy heart-thumping impulsive meetings over serendipity. Jumping off the cliff and fell fast through deep intense connection, intimate sharing over a crazy blast of alcohol, emotions and living life to the fullest. So here I am, discovering one was way off, two was for fun, three was for companionship, four was for swept away, five was...is...crazy, impossible, improbable...but real.
Find my favorite place in China and its name is Qingdao. Where the mountains lie beside the beach-y shores. Where seafood goes with beer street and wine street. Where real trees grow in abundance and the gorgeous old architecture of houses dot the quiet lanes. Where the blue sky stretches so far out across the horizon. Oh and let's not forget good company, the infamous drunken house, and china's version of first class - lounge, seats and meals. That's one place I'd want to go back to.
Work on my painting and cooking skills. People have benefited. Family, friends and five. 3 F's.
Conquer my fear of public speaking and became a lectern. Once or twice a month. With a church full of parishioners well-versed in English.
Become more numb and accepting of how work life really is. In short, you might not like it, and it might be crappy but you bring home the bacon. That's what matters. You work to live not live to work. I put my foot down when I need to and I realized I can be pretty bitchy. Like the dynamic duo used to call me, feisty girl.
Join a cruise. Very relaxing and one of the best times with my family and worse experience of seasickness EVER. To think I usually am ok with all modes of transport, practically sleeping my way through the entire trip.
Witness a solar eclipse and its effect in the city early morning. I saw it through the huge glass cladding of my office window. I bought some cheap glasses for remembrance. Not that I got to use it.
Play and walk around a heavy but soft snowfall. I bunched some snow and threw it around. So fun! I felt like a kid yet I soon discovered the pain of having numb hands that was so fast to becoming not even your own. Yes. Wear the damn gloves. And yes, down is the answer. I love down. I've been meaning to get me Uggs.
Get so drunk enough to not remember a thing with an entire bottle of sochu split for two. I realized sochu can be really lethal and a traitor. Drink with caution and don't feel at ease if you feel nothing at first.
Get so enamored with whiskey after being enamored of wine. Single malt and flowery. I can take four rounds all a-ok.
Go clubbing so much that I got tired of it and the same old same old. Crappy music. Pretentious people. Thick suffocating smoke. Men who are just looking for instant hook-ups. I still prefer going with good friends and especially just chilling in lounging bars instead of the blaring speakers.
Go to the World Expo for 6-7 times. The best part is, enjoying it in the company of good friends and while you're tipsy after rounds of good beer, whiskey, wine and vodka. Saw GMA in person (does that really matter?). Got to take a pic with Cecile Licad. Brushed elbows with diplomatic ambassadors and officials.
Go to VIP events, the type where exotic cars are just parked outside and the Tatler magazine is covering the thing. The salmon sashimi was to die for, the fois gras was something I can take a bite off and not spit it out, and cod fish was so succulent. The women were laced with expensive clothes, perfumes, jewelry and some were gorgeously draped around the arms of men -- established, old, rich, and out for socializing.
Party in Park Hyatt in drunken state with no dinner and five bottles of wine. I never knew whiskey and soda existed in good taste. YUCK. I discovered confusing music the morning after and spending by the pool just lounging can be so relaxing. So is sitting around pillows and blankets with soft candle lights, acoustic music and just conversation in good company. That's after flying lettuces and a countdown timer challenge via excel done from scratch.
Karaoke-d out the KTV establishment 'til 6am. The place closed down and we were still singing along with no music -- just the mp3 playing on someone else's phone.
Discover the best grilled unagi and tasted fresh sashimi carved from a live fish.
Perm, dye my hair. I finally did something to it and "devirginized" it. Styled ala Japanese/Korean fashion. I'll still go back to black...eventually.
Drink almost everyday coz everyday is a friday! See where it got me. After 8 months I'm still falling.
Get sick of two ailments that I've never had in my entire life. Each time though, I was extremely lucky. Five was there to take care of me.
Sleep over a lot and had people sleep over too. Played hooky from work. Shh. Something I've never done before.
Discover the wonders of makeup, of taking care of your skin and hair. I know. I just never bothered with it before, more so if you're about to reach the age of (2+1)*10. And I'm now more scared of getting too tanned. WHA?! Ok. I still love the beach.
Become closer to my dad, sis, JA and accepted the situation of my stepmom. Also became more logical/practical in relationships - family, friends and all of the above. There are no definite black and whites all the time. There's lots of grays. At the end of the day, what matters is the values you choose to hold and keep close to you.
Become more independent and more of a risk taker. Yeah? I walk out alone. eat alone. live alone. sleep alone. Not that I can stand being alone as I also want the company of people I love. But I can survive. I decide where I wanna go. What I wanna do. As for risks, let's just say I've honed my strategic skills a bit.
Find genuine friendship of people from different cultures. People have opened my eyes more. There small influences and then there are huge ones. The most profound I don't think I will ever forget. Whatever happens, I discovered my capacity and my courage, my weaknesses and insecurities. That single word that opened everything still is standing so strong.
Be blissfully happy to be a part of someone's wedding ceremony. Moved to true happiness. They deserve it. Another chapter to one of three couples I've managed to put together. I attended three weddings in a year!
Become closer to God. In a foreign place where values can easily be washed away, all that holds who you are versus the insanity of letting the tides sweep you away is your faith.
Bond with my cousins and play with my nieces and nephews more. Family is family and over the years things have changed and people have grown. What you don't really find ok before can be better now. Girls' night out in manila is not so hard to find. haha.
Watch a major concert by a famous artist in China. Jay Chou. I don't like the guy nor especially fond of his songs but it is an experience. Yeah? I want to watch Lee Hom in concert though.
Ate and sampled meals by Michelin star chefs. Expensive but again, we live only once. After a while it gets boring though. Or I just might lack the taste buds for it. I just want Yamazaki rye bread, succulent shime saba, crunchy smoky grilled unagi, and salty sweet smoked salmon. The street side charcoal grilled gooey sweet potato sounds good too. That or the sticky boiled white corn. Both can keep my hands warm from experiencing -4 winter!
Love so much 'til it hurts and seeps into my bones. Teenage dream. Teenage love all over again. Bellied with reality amidst the dream. And now... I feel like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces. The utter bliss of loving fully comes with a heart-stopping pain enough to make you gasp as you cry it out.
That's all I remember for now. I will try to add more as I go along...but as the 2011 starts, there's a lot in store that much I know. One thing that never changes is Carpe Diem. Live life to the fullest.
Live like you mean it, love 'til you feel it.
- Googoo Dolls
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